What I Meant to Say

It has been quite a busy month. October started with a 10K race for Kari and me. The following weekends had us go to Denver for a wedding, go to a co-workers potluck birthday party, take several trips to IKEA, host good friends for an entire weekend of furniture assembly, prepare for our party, have a wonderful Housewarming/Coming Out/Anniversary Party (that we are still recovering from), and attend Emily and Mike's wedding last night. With all this going on - which is really a lot for me because I am a true resting-on-the-couch, chilling-out, don't-leave-the-house homebody - my head has been in a swirl.

So, last weekend at our party, we did a question and answer game, and the next day, I realized that there were many things that I wished I had said. Some questions were quite deep and with all my head-swirliness and a bit of stage fright, I couldn't think of a response. Unless I am teaching 8-year-olds, I am very bad at thinking of answers on the spot. Kari realized the same thing, so we decided to blog some of the things that we meant to say.

She already blogged her answer to this question, but told me I couldn't read it until I wrote my own answer. So the question: What has been an area of disagreement between you two that required major working out or compromise? Do you ever argue, get mad at each other? (Note: this answer got really long, so if you are in a hurry, skip to the last paragraph.)

This question has multiple levels. And it has been a process of growth in our relationship over the past 10 years. Of course we have gotten mad over things, but right now we are at a point where disagreement does not mean conflict. I enjoy compromise. When we have different ideas or things that we want, it is fun to give and take. Like, I got to pick out the couch and Kari picked out the ottoman - but it feels like we both picked both things out together. Kari is so generous and selfless - I know she is always looking out for me and wants good things for me - and I also want to look out for her and give her the things she desires. When I give up my way, I feel good that it means she gets her way. It's not an unhappy compromise. We also pray about most of our decisions (big and little), which takes some pressure and "self" out of the decision-making. We trust that we will be okay when God is leading the way.

Aside from decision-making, though, we have had more conflict that needed major working out in emotional issues. We have learned how to help each other work through baggage, instead of blaming or taking it as a personal attack. For example, if I start doing this annoying question thing where I ask the same question over and over, Kari knows I am not trying to doubt her or frustrate her, but we now recognize something else is going on - usually I am trying to control a situation or I fear something. Like yesterday when I asked Kari 5 different ways in 2 minutes if she had toll money, she knew I was dealing was some other issue and I recognized that my questions were annoying and would make it seem like I didn't trust her. So, we paused and were able to see that really I was freaked out about running late and taking a different driving route that I was not used to (and I am a little controlling about driving directions) - and I was a little nervous about going to a social event. It wasn't about toll money at all, but about my nervousness and controllingness. A few years ago, it might have turned into an argument about being ready on time, or why don't I trust, or who should be in charge of directions - which would be a futile argument. Instead, yesterday Kari was able to assure me that we would be okay driving and that my food for the party would be just fine, and I was able to assure her that I trusted she can take care of things and I was sorry for doing the annoying-question thing. A little assurance about the real issue goes a long way.

It has really been a blessing to have someone by me that is willing to see the truth and look at the root of issues with me. Of course we still make mistakes and hurt each others' feelings, but with that, too, we look at what is really going on, recognize we're not trying to be hurtful, and work it out. And Kari is the best apologizer in the world. If she ever hurts you, especially on accident, just tell her and she will be truly sorry without making excuses or having defenses. This is something I am still learning from her.

But we have gone through major disagreements. A few years back you might remember seeing Kari and me and thinking something was "off." We may have seemed grumpy or pouty - we were dealing with a lot. I had severe anger issues (i.e. I didn't know how to deal with being angry) and was learning how not to think everything is doomed if one little thing goes wrong. Now I have learned how to feel two emotions at once - I can be sad about something, but still happy. It was a huge life-changer, and relationship-builder.

So, the short answer is yes, we have gone through big disagreements - but they were more of an issue of dealing with emotional wounds and rebuilding our character and coping mechanisms, rather than an actual disagreement with each other. It was a lot of work and pain and choosing. Choosing to not give up, choosing to trust, choosing to forgive, and choosing to pray. It was more than worth it. We go to bed each night with a "clear account" - no grudges, no buried hurts. I love feeling that I really do want the best for Kari, and knowing that she wants the best for me.

And now that I posted my answer, I finally get to read her's!

Who's up there

Sometimes when I hear a little squirrel scamper across the roof, I mistake it for neighbors upstairs. It is always such a nice realization that we are not in an apartment anymore and there is no one to stomp and run and pound on our ceiling.

Yesterday I also had the joy of opening windows and letting in fresh air for the first time in 7 years. In the apartment, the noisy, dirty air conditioners were right outside our windows, so we did not like to open up. Plus, we didn't get much breeze, so it seemed to just let in pollen and dust without actually cooling us off. And they were a pain to get open and then we didn't feel safe leaving them open during the night.

But in the house, we have a large, new, double-paned window in every room. They are easy to open and close and I don't feel like they are dirty. The fresh air inside with our first Florida Fall day is wonderful. I love that smell. Kind of earthy, but fresh. I wonder if we'll be able to make it most of winter without running our air.

Hungry

By 3:30 every day I am quite hungry and don't know what to eat. The first half of my day is pretty consistent on weekdays: Kashi Go Lean cereal for breakfast (with blueberries or strawberries when on sale); a banana, 1/4 cup of trail mix, and 3 dried apricots for morning snack; homemade soup, 6 pretzels, and a fresh fruit for lunch.

But then, after school, I am hungry. It is too early for dinner, but I am too hungry to do anything else and wait it out. I crave carbs and protein, but probably should have some kind of vegetable or fruit. I don't know what to eat. I really just want cake (that's what I had today).

Any suggestions?

Sometimes I think we might need cable

I love crime shows and law shows - mainly CSI and Law and Order. But I haven't seen a Law and Order in probably over a year because the new episodes come on too late, and our DTV converter doesn't get NBC (or much else). This summer I got my fix of crime drama with online episodes of CSI. We pulled the giant bean bag in front of the computer, and watched more than a whole season in a couple months, with limited commercials.

Then to my horror, CBS removed all the old episodes of CSI from their website with the start of the new season. I have already contacted them about this mistake.

So today I had jury duty. In the crowded room of about 200, most people look bored and just wanted to leave. At first, I, too, wanted an early dismissal, so I could go home and do my UF work. But by the time I was called to the courtroom for jury selection, I was a little excited. Of course I still had to look like I was bored, glancing at my watch and staring at the walls. But when I saw those lawyers in front of me in their nice suits and the judge in his black robe, I was ready to get my dose of crime drama. Now, I know that real-life court is not the drama of TV, but this was as close to Law and Order as I'm going to get.

People gave their excuses to not serve - claustrophobia, schizophrenia, flu, hate policemen, love policeman, drink with policeman, can't-judge-others-because-of-religion, etc. But not me - I couldn't wait for my chance to be picked. I even started getting that shivery feeling in my stomach like it was a competition. I looked around to see who I was up against. Would they want the old guy who can't hear? What about the person with pants falling off? Maybe I shouldn't have dressed so casual. That other lady said she was a teacher, too. They probably won't pick two teachers.

And then, after being there for most of the day, right before the jury selection process, when I would get to hear the attorneys speak and we would do fun court-like stuff and I could answer questions and prove my worthiness as a fair and impartial woman with keen reasoning skills... they sent us home. The trial was postponed because a stinking witness was too sick to testify.

At least they could have made up a more interesting reason - like witness tampering, missing evidence, escaped prisoner (whom they would catch later of course).

So, now it's back to UF work. And maybe I'll start catching up on The Biggest Loser online.

More to Love

As we settle into our home a little more each day, and the small improvements get made, the boxes get unpacked, things get cleaned, I am loving it more and more. Here are some things that have made me fall in love our home even more since we bought it:

1. Sleep. I always thought I was someone who woke up a lot during the night. Wrong. I was someone who woke up a lot during the night because I heard neighbors stomping above me, the apartment tennis court lights glared through the bedroom window until midnight, and I could hear cars racing (literally) down 4th St. at 3 a.m. Our home is dark, quiet, peaceful.

2. Dance. Our open, tiled kitchen is a perfect roomy spot for dancing around. Here is my current favorite cooking groove: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8

3. Eat. We are currently looking for furniture and I love that we have a 19 ft. dining room to outfit. Our dream is to have a table that seats at least 10, a buffet/server piece, and another shelf, bookcase, cabinet type thing to hold my cookbooks and magazines.

4. Grow. I never liked helping in the yard as a kid, but now I love it. I can't wait to plant our fruit trees (we think we finally have them picked out) and soon I want to start some kind of vegetable or herb garden. Plus, I love mowing the yard and I even spent an hour weeding last Saturday.

Stumped

Me: How's that story going that you're working on?

Student: Good... it's about the fire alarm on the first day of school.

Me: Oh, good idea. That was a big day.

Student: Yeah, but I have a question. Why do they say that the fire alarm goes off or went off?

Me: Well, that's because go and went mean the same thing, but in different tenses. If something is in the future, we say go, like we will go to PE in a few minutes. And when we come back, we'll say we went to PE.

Student: No, why do we say that the fire alarm went off when the loud noise comes on? We should say the fire alarm went on.

Me: Hmmm... good question. I don't know.

We converted

When I was growing up, I was blessed to have a mom that was at home waiting for us when we got home from school. I loved having her to help me with my homework, to encourage me and my sister, Jen, to play together, or to be there so that my best friend, Leilani, could stay over to play. I also loved when she made a homemade afterschool snack. I grew up loving her standard Nestle Toll House chocolate chip cookies.

Then in college, Kari began making cookies with me. Sometimes we used chocolate chunks instead of morsels, but it was still the same old Toll House recipe.

Those cookies were always a guaranteed comfort. And they are so easy to make. If I was tired, but craving something sweet on a Wednesday night? No problem. Just soften some butter and in a few minutes, we'd have warm cookies and cold milk.

So, it was not an easy decision to let these cookies go. After a lifetime of memories, it has taken many months of deliberation to finally convert. But we just could not deny any longer that Ghirardelli semi-sweet morsels actually taste better... and that the Cook's Illustrated "Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie" recipe results in a superior cookie. (Thanks, Marc and Bridget!) It is a little crispy on the edges, chewy inside, rich toffee-butterscotch flavor, with clean, not-to-sweet chocolatey bursts. The only downside is that the recipe is a bit more involved, but we'll learn.

Good-bye, Nestle Toll House. But perhaps we will see you again on those crazy mid-week days, when we need some cookie comfort and need it fast.